In 1976, Moris Tepper joined Captain Beefheart‘s Magic Band as guitarist; a position he held until Vliet’s retirement in 1982. It was during this period that Tepper was handed the “Ten Commandments of Guitar Playing,” as written by Beefheart himself.
The list read as follows.
(Source: Rolling Stone’s Alt-Rock-A-Rama; Image: Guardian.)
1. Listen to the birds.
That’s where all the music comes from. Birds know everything about how it should sound and where that sound should come from. And watch hummingbirds. They fly really fast, but a lot of times they aren’t going anywhere.
2. Your guitar is not really a guitar.
Your guitar is a divining rod. Use it to find spirits in the other world and bring them over. A guitar is also a fishing rod. If you’re good, you’ll land a big one.
3. Practice in front of a bush.
Wait until the moon is out, then go outside, eat a multi-grained bread and play your guitar to a bush. If the bush doesn’t shake, eat another piece of bread.
4. Walk with the devil.
Old Delta blues players referred to guitar amplifiers as the “devil box.” And they were right. You have to be an equal opportunity employer in terms of who you’re brining over from the other side. Electricity attracts devils and demons. Other instruments attract other spirits. An acoustic guitar attracts Casper. A mandolin attracts Wendy. But an electric guitar attracts Beelzebub.
5. If you’re guilty of thinking, you’re out.
If your brain is part of the process, you’re missing it. You should play like a drowning man, struggling to reach shore. If you can trap that feeling, then you have something that is fur bearing.
6. Never point your guitar at anyone.
Your instrument has more clout than lightning. Just hit a big chord then run outside to hear it. But make sure you are not standing in an open field.
7. Always carry a church key.
That’s your key-man clause. Like One String Sam. He’s one. He was a Detroit street musician who played in the fifties on a homemade instrument. His song “I Need a Hundred Dollars” is warm pie. Another key to the church is Hubert Sumlin, Howlin’ Wolf’s guitar player. He just stands there like the Statue of Liberty — making you want to look up her dress the whole time to see how he’s doing it.
8. Don’t wipe the sweat off your instrument.
You need that stink on there. Then you have to get that stink onto your music.
9. Keep your guitar in a dark place.
When you’re not playing your guitar, cover it and keep it in a dark place. If you don’t play your guitar for more than a day, be sure you put a saucer of water in with it.
10. You gotta have a hood for your engine.
Keep that hat on. A hat is a pressure cooker. If you have a roof on your house, the hot air can’t escape. Even a lima bean has to have a piece of wet paper around it to make it grow.
Posted by Grosse Pointe Music Academy Staff
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HAHAHA. Funny article not what I expected. But despite the humor, there were some relevant points made. Thanks for the read and the laugh.
Personally, I would have added, “Thou shalt not tune a short scale guitar down to C.” Or… ‘Thou shalt not leave your guitar in a car on a hot day.” How about, “Thou shalt take good care of one’s instrument and change the strings regularly, having a setup done twice a year.” This seems like a missed opportunity to really give some good solid advice about the instrument. Things like, “Thou shalt always keep an extra set of strings in one’s case” probably should have been included. Captain Beefheart was a great musician, though. It was sad to lose him at the end of 2010.
Haha Dave that’s really funny. I think people may actually listen to you and take care of their guitar if they are written as commandments!
One would certainly hope so. There are too many players who neglect their instruments. It doesn’t matter to me how the message gets out. I just hope that one day they will realize the importance of proper care and maintenance.